36 questions to fall in love: the full list (Arthur Aron, NYT)

Thirty-six questions, three sets, about 45 minutes. They come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, and they work for the same reason a good first date does: each question asks for slightly more than the last, and both of you answer every one.

36 questions

Where the 36 questions come from

In the study, pairs of strangers sat together for 45 minutes and worked through three sets of questions, taking turns to answer each one. The questions get more personal set by set, and that gradual, mutual self-disclosure is the mechanism: you are not being interviewed, you are trading confidences at the same pace. Pairs who did the questions reported feeling much closer than pairs who spent the same time on small talk.

The list became famous in 2015, when writer Mandy Len Catron described trying it on a date in the New York Times and added a final step of her own: four minutes of silent eye contact. The eye contact was not part of the original study, but almost everyone now does it, and it is the part people remember.

How to do the 36 questions

Sit facing each other with no phones on the table. Read the questions from one screen or print them out.
Take the questions in order. Set I first, then II, then III. The order is the point: skipping ahead lands you in deep water before you are warmed up.
Both of you answer every question. One reads it aloud, answers, then the other answers the same question. Swap who reads first with each question.
Give each set about 15 minutes. If a set takes longer, that is fine. If you are rushing, slow down rather than skipping.
Finish with the four minutes of eye contact, if you both want to. Set a timer, say nothing, and look at each other. It feels strange for about a minute and then it does not.
Anything you can pass on. A question that feels wrong tonight can wait for another evening.

Set I: warm-up

Light, curious, easy to answer. The first set is about finding out how the other person thinks, not about baring anything.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II: going deeper

Memories, values, family. This set asks for things you do not usually say out loud, but nothing you would be embarrassed to have said.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III: closeness

The last set is about the two of you, here, now. Several questions ask you to say something directly to the other person rather than about yourself.

Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you have just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Doing the 36 questions as a couple

The questions were written for strangers, which is exactly why they work on a couple that has been together for years. You already know each other’s coffee order. You may not know your partner’s answer to question 33, and there is a good chance they have never been asked question 5. A few adjustments help:

Answer as if the other person did not know. Question 11, the four-minute life story, is the one couples skip because “you know all this”. Do it anyway. The version you tell tonight will not be the version they heard on your third date.
Questions 8, 22, 27, 28 and 31 are about each other. Say the things out loud, in full sentences, even when they feel obvious. Especially then.
Question 36 is a real problem, not a hypothetical. Pick something small and current. The second half, where your partner tells you how you seem to feel about it, is the most useful minute of the whole exercise.
Split it across two evenings if you need to. Sets I and II one night, Set III and the eye contact another. The effect does not depend on doing it in one sitting.

The four minutes of eye contact

Set a timer for four minutes, put it face down, and look at each other without talking. Most people laugh in the first thirty seconds. Then it goes quiet, then it gets a little uncomfortable, and somewhere around the two-minute mark it settles into something else. You do not have to do it, and you do not have to do it tonight. It works best when both of you actually want to.

After the 36 questions

You cannot do these twice. Once you have heard each other’s answers, the list is spent, which is the one thing the 36 questions have in common with a great first date. What you can keep is the habit: one question, both answers, a little more than yesterday. That is what the coupleroom app is built for. The Question of the Day works exactly like a 37th question, and there are decks for the future, the past, family, values and intimacy when you want to go in a particular direction.

Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?

No list makes anyone fall in love. What the 1997 study measured was closeness: pairs who did the questions felt significantly closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk for the same 45 minutes. One pair from the study did marry. For most people the questions are a shortcut to the kind of conversation that usually takes months to reach.

How long do the 36 questions take?

The study allowed 45 minutes, 15 per set. In practice most pairs take an hour to ninety minutes, because good answers lead to follow-up questions. The four minutes of eye contact come after.

Were the four minutes of eye contact part of the original study?

No. Arthur Aron’s study used only the questions. The eye contact was added by Mandy Len Catron in her 2015 New York Times essay, and it has been part of the ritual ever since.

Can you do the 36 questions over the phone or on video?

Yes. Long-distance couples do them on a video call, one set per evening. The eye contact works on video too, if a little differently. In the coupleroom app, Remote Mode lets you send a question and answer in your own time when you cannot be on a call.

Which of the 36 questions is the hardest?

By reputation, question 33, what you would most regret not having told someone, and question 35, about a death in your family. Both are in Set III for a reason: by then you have spent half an hour building up to them.