Deep questions to ask your partner: 40 for real conversations
40 deep questions to ask your partner, for the evenings when small talk is not enough: what love means to each of you, what makes you feel safe together, how you handle hard days, and how you see the world. Answer every question yourself too. None of these appear on our other question lists, so if you have worked through those, start here.
40 questions ·
How to ask deep questions without it feeling like an interview
- One or two per evening. A deep question needs room for a long answer and a follow-up.
- Ask in the car, on a walk or while cooking. Side by side is easier than face to face for most people.
- Answer it yourself first if your partner hesitates. It shows the kind of answer you mean.
- Do not argue with the answer. Ask “what makes you say that?” and listen.
- Skip the arguments section if either of you is tired or already tense.
Play it right here
Play: one question at a time
Read the card out loud, both answer, then tap for the next one.
Deep questions about love
What you each believe love is, and how that has changed.
- Do you think love is a choice or something that just happens?
- What has surprised you most about love?
- What has your relationship taught you most about love?
- What does “acceptance” of your partner mean to you?
- What does being mature in a relationship look like to you?
- What does “peace” mean to you in your relationship?
- Do you think people can truly change within a relationship?
- What does good communication mean to you in a relationship?
Deep questions to ask your partner about the two of you
Closeness, safety and the things that are hard to say. Take these slowly.
- Which moments in your relationship make you feel closest to each other?
- What gives you a sense of safety in your relationship?
- Which emotions are the hardest for you to express in your relationship?
- What do you appreciate most about how you understand each other?
- What do you like most about the way you show affection to each other?
- What do you admire most about each other?
- What difference between you has actually made your relationship better?
- What would your lives look like if you had never met?
- What has being in a relationship taught you about yourselves?
- How has your relationship changed the way you see other relationships?
- What emotion comes to mind most often when you think about your relationship?
- What three words describe your relationship best?
Questions about hard days and arguments
For a calm evening, not in the middle of a fight.
- What helps you calm down after an argument?
- How do you deal with frustration in your relationship?
- How do you feel when silence appears between you in difficult moments?
- How do you handle it when you have different opinions on the same topic?
- What’s your way to reset after a tough day?
- What difficult topic is easier for you to talk about now than it used to be?
- How important is daily rhythm and routine to you in a relationship?
Deep questions about the past
Old decisions, childhood and the trip that changed something.
- You can change one decision from the past. What would you do differently?
- How have your childhood memories shaped who you are in your relationship today?
- What childhood dream would you still love to make happen?
- What is a decision you and your partner made more based on intuition than on logic?
- Which trip together changed the way you see the world the most?
Big questions about life and the world
Less about the two of you, more about how you each see things. Good for a long dinner.
- Is there a culture whose approach to life you particularly admire?
- Does technology bring you closer or get in the way more?
- What do you think is much easier about life today than it used to be?
- What do you think people do too much of these days, and not enough of?
- What change would you most like to see in the world in your lifetime?
- What’s something happening in the world that you’ve been thinking about lately?
- Do you have different views on sustainability, and does it affect your everyday life?
- How do you take care of friendships when life gets busy?
If you want more
For questions that are lighter but still personal, try the questions to ask your boyfriend or questions to ask your girlfriend. If the two of you are thinking about the long term, questions to ask before marriage covers money, kids and family. The coupleroom app has 2,500+ more questions across 100+ topics, with a Question of the Day that reveals both answers once you have both replied.
What are deep questions to ask your partner?
Questions that need a considered answer rather than a fact: whether love is a choice, what makes you feel safe together, which emotions are hard to say out loud, what you would change about a past decision. They work best one at a time, with time for a follow-up.
Are deep questions good for a new relationship?
Some are. The sections about love and about life and the world are fine early on. Keep the questions about arguments and hard days for when you have known each other a while.
What if my partner does not like deep questions?
Start with the big questions about the world, which are about ideas rather than feelings, and ask them while you are doing something together. Or swap one deep question for a light one, like a round of would you rather.