Questions to ask before marriage: 36 to talk through first

Thirty-six questions to ask before marriage, grouped into the four topics couples most often discover they never actually discussed: money, family, trust and the future. They are not a test with right answers. They are a way to find out where you already agree, and which conversations you still need to have.

36 questions ·

How to talk through these questions

Do one section per evening, not all four at once. Answer separately first, on paper or in your notes app, then compare. Where your answers differ, you do not have to settle it tonight; just mark it and come back. Disagreeing on a question before the wedding is normal. Finding out after is the hard part.

Money and work questions to ask before getting married

Joint accounts, investing, career and the balance between work and home.

  1. What gives you the greatest sense of financial security?
  2. How do you feel about investing money together?
  3. What money decisions do you prefer to make together, and which ones separately?
  4. What’s something in life you never mind spending money on?
  5. What does a good balance between career and personal life mean to you?
  6. What are your biggest career goals right now?
  7. If you could start your career over, what would you try?
  8. What expenses bring you the most joy?
  9. How do you understand “boundaries” in a relationship? What do they mean to you?

Family and kids

What you bring from your families, what you leave behind, and what you each picture for your own.

  1. What family tradition would you like to carry into your own relationship?
  2. What did your parents’ relationships teach you about love?
  3. What’s something from the families you grew up in that you don’t want to repeat in your relationship?
  4. What traits from your families are you actually glad you inherited?
  5. What decision would you never want to make because of pressure from your family?
  6. Which family relationships inspire you the most, and what elements would you like to bring into your own relationship?
  7. How did your relationships with your siblings influence your approach to love?
  8. How have your relationships with grandparents or older relatives influenced you?
  9. If you could plan your dream wedding with no budget, what would it look like?

Trust, faithfulness and space

What faithfulness means to each of you, how much time apart is healthy, and the one thing you could never forgive.

  1. What does being faithful mean to you in a relationship?
  2. What does “betrayal” mean to you in a relationship?
  3. How much time apart feels healthy for you as a couple?
  4. How important is having time just for yourself in a relationship?
  5. Do you think friendship with someone of the opposite sex can exist?
  6. If you had one rule about social media in your relationship, what would it be?
  7. What’s something you could never forgive in a relationship?
  8. What does “respect” for each other mean to you?
  9. How do you understand “compromise” in a relationship?

The future you are building

Five years, ten years, retirement. And the values neither of you will trade away.

  1. How would you like your life together to look in five years?
  2. How do you imagine your life together in 10 years?
  3. What do you imagine your life together looking like in retirement?
  4. What value matters most to you in a relationship?
  5. Which shared plans motivate you the most?
  6. How do you support your partner in pursuing their dreams?
  7. How do you motivate your partner to grow and improve themselves?
  8. What social or political issue do you care about most right now?
  9. What would you want people to say about your relationship 30 years from now?

What couples actually disagree on

In the weekly Dilemma in the coupleroom app, couples split almost evenly on whether to combine finances or keep separate accounts, and 72% would rather share plans for the future than share an approach to money. Those results, and dozens more, are in would you rather questions for couples. For the topics behind the questions, see questions about family and kids and deep questions about values and beliefs.

What should you ask before getting married?

Cover four areas: money (shared or separate, saving and spending), family and kids (whether, when, how many, and how involved your families will be), trust and space (what faithfulness means, how much time apart you need) and the future (where you want to live and what you are working towards).

When should you ask these questions?

Before you get engaged or move in is ideal, but it is never too late. Many couples go through them again after the first year of marriage.

What if we disagree on something important?

Mark it and keep talking. Many differences can be worked out with a compromise; a few cannot, and it is better to know which is which early. If a topic keeps turning into a fight, a premarital counselor can help.